Dealing with Difficult People - Part#4 - THE COMPLAINER

A complainer is usually described as someone who whines, blames others and makes a number of accusations.  They manage to find fault with everything, and gripe ad nauseam about everything.  They point out real problems but they do it in a manner that elicits defensive responses from others.

You must not put people who have a legitimate complaint or those who need to just get something off their chest in this category. 

You find yourself automatically giving in or becoming defensive with the person.  This can occur whether or not you have done anything wrong. 

Complainers do not feel that they are whining. They feel they are providing a warning about something gone wrong that someone else must fix.  Complainers usually feel they are powerless in the control of their own life.  They have an image of the way things ought to be and a galling sense of injustice that they are not that way.  Complainers do not feel they have any responsibility to the problem.                          

How to Cope with a Complainer

• Listen - this allows the person to let off steam, and releases feelings of frustration, and anger.  Being heard can lessen the sense of being dismissed and feelings of powerlessness.  This provides you with the next step and confirms the person is a complainer and not someone who just needed to get something off their chest.
• Acknowledge or backtrack the main points of what the person has said. 
• You should be prepared to interrupt. Once you have heard the complaint, interrupt firmly, but nicely. Do not let the person repeat themselves.
• Try using limiting responses. Complainers like to use words like “never” and “always”.  To begin the problem solving approach when acknowledging their complaint, you should include specifics of locations, times or facts. 
• Don’t Agree/Don’t Disagree and don’t ask “WHY” - you will never end the conversation.  It will continue to repeat. State facts without comment and apology.
• Switch to Problem Solving
• Pose specific problem solving questions - ask what outcome do they want? 
• Expect some frustration - Do not expect this system to work on the first try.  Bring the person back to the issue and question if they return to complaining.
• Assign limited tasks; ask the complainer to collect information relevant to the problem.  This bridges the gap between the Complainers concern and their sense of powerlessness.
• Get it in Writing – you must ask the Complainer to write down the problem.  Putting it into words can help to feel a sense of control over the problem.
• Give them a deadline and supporting anything constructive they do can encourage their participation. 
• If all else fails ask the Complainer “how do you want this discussion to end?”

Dealing with Difficult People - Part#3 - THE EXPLODER

The behavior of an Exploder looks like an adult tantrum.  The person appears full of rage. 

A person at the other end of an Exploder is usually totally unaware that anything wrong was said and will feel surprised and bewildered at the abrupt and horrifying change in the situation.  Eventually anger and resistance will be experienced after this encounter. 

A tantrum appears to be an automatic response for some when a person feels psychologically threatened. 

How to Cope with an Exploder

• Give them time to run down and regain self control - if they cannot accomplish this on their own, get their attention.  You may call their name, wave your arms, etc.  Do not appear threatening.
• Show your serious intentions - Show the person you take them seriously.  Let them know you want to discuss it but not that way. 
• Interrupt the interruption - announce a break in the meeting.  Give time for yourself and the person to calm down, compose and gain self control.
• Try to arrange for some privacy time for you and the person.
  

Dealing with Difficult People - Part#2 - THE SNIPER

This person comes from behind and takes pot shots at your by making innuendos, not too subtle digs, and/or non playful teasing, etc.  They do this in a protective environment for them, or in a social setting. Sniping behavior is often a response to an unresolved or unheeded problem. This type of behavior does not usually produce a positive response. This behavior begins a self destructive cycle, unless the victim changes the nature of the interaction.

The reaction to a Sniper is usually to run or fight back.  There is also an urge to let the statement go by and maintain a sense of politeness and not make a scene.

A Sniper tends to have a strong sense of how others ought to think and act.  They need to feel in control of the situation.  They have views of what can be done to solve problems that interfere with their own personal goals.  They may have a superior attitude.

How to Cope with a Sniper

• Surface the attack - Do not let the remark go by unnoticed.  Stop, look at the Sniper and repeat their question or comment. 
• Provide an alternative to direct confrontation - ask the relevancy of the comment to the subject being discussed. Ask the Sniper to share what they are really trying to say. 
• If there is a group, seek group confirmation - Ask if others feel the same way as the Sniper. If so, address the problem. If not, address the comment as a difference of opinion.  Your response should neither directly contradict the Snipers allegations nor allow their comment to pass as a truth.
• Deal with the problems if the Sniper will talk.  Ask the Sniper to be specific with their comments.  Ask the Sniper how they would solve the problem.
• To prevent Sniping - set up regular problem solving meetings.

Dealing with Difficult People - Part#1 - THE TANK

This person can be but may not necessarily be physically aggressive.  The person’s demeanor expresses “attack”.  These persons are abrupt, intimidating and overwhelming.  They can also be bitter and cynical.

When encountering a “Tank” you may feel confused, a desire to physically remove yourself from the room, or a sense of helplessness frustration, and anger.  You may not be able to comprehend or deal calmly with the situation.

A Tank has a strong need to prove to themselves and others that they are right.  They may see things in a simple and concrete manner.  They may deal with issues in a straight forward way.  They see things as what others should do.  They get angry and impatient when they detect or perceive any resistance.  They tend to lack the capacity to receive and accept feedback about how their behavior impacts others.  If they get what they want, they do so at the cost of being able to receive honest feedback or at the cost of a relationship. 

How to Cope with a Tank 

• Maintain eye contact 
• Give the Tank time to run down - to lose momentum
• Get their attention- call their name, wave your arms, balance the volume with that of the Tank 
• Get them to sit down- if they are standing up.  If they will not sit down, you stand up with them Acknowledge/backtrack with “I” statements.  Don’t argue with what the other person has said or cut them down
• Avoid a head on fight- Tanks are more experienced and practiced at fighting 
• Be ready to be friendly- as the saying goes “stand up to the bully and he will be your friend”

Dealing with Difficult People

Difficult people are people who don’t do what you want them to do, and do what you don’t want them to do, and then you don’t know what to do about them.   

Difficult people manage to gain control over others.  The purpose of using techniques for coping is to further the mutual interest of you and the difficult person, by producing a situation which you can both function in as productively as possible.  “Coping” enables you and the difficult person to get on with the business at hand.    

You can change your reaction to the person’s behavior.  When you use different coping techniques with a difficult person, the difficult person will notice that their strategies aren’t working.  They in turn will react differently to you.  Then you are able to get about your business and the difficult person is provided with an incentive and an opportunity to develop other more constructive behavior. 

The goal is to get on with your business by coping rather than changing or punishing the other person. 

In the next few posts, I’ll try to suggest coping techniques for different types of ‘Difficult People’ as follows:

·         

• Hostile Aggressive
• The Tank - This person can be but may not necessarily be physically aggressive.  The person’s demeanor expresses “attack”.  These persons are abrupt, intimidating and overwhelming.  They can also be bitter and cynical.
• The Sniper - This person comes from behind and takes pot shots at you by making innuendos, not too subtle digs, and/or non playful teasing, etc.  They do this in a protective environment for them, or in a social setting. This behavior begins a self destructive cycle, unless the victim changes the nature of the interaction.
• The Exploder - The Exploder’s behavior looks like an adult tantrum.  The person appears full of rage. 
• Complainer - A complainer is usually described as someone who whines, blames others and makes a number of accusations. They point out real problems but they do it in a manner that elicits defensive responses from others.
• Silent & Unresponsive - Silent and unresponsive people won’t or can’t talk when you need conversation from them.  It is often difficult to understand what the silence or lack of response means, therefore, your coping task is to get them to talk.
• Super Agreeable - These persons always agree with you and always say what you want to hear.  They leave you believing they are in agreement with you only to not follow through, or do what they agreed to do.
• Negativist - There is a productive negative analysis to any situation.  The difference between looking at the negative consequences of a situation and a negativist is that a negativist does not see a solution to a scenario.
• The Know it Alls
• The Bulldozers - These persons are highly productive people, thorough and accurate thinkers who make competent, careful plans and then carry them through even when the obstacles are great.  They can be viewed as difficult people in that; they can perpetuate self defeating behavior, (The Bulldozer will correct and do it their own way anyway), they do not elicit any other judgment or creativity; they are not usually dissuaded from their own plan; when things go wrong they usually see the blame to be on others.
• The Balloons - These persons speak with great authority about subjects they really know very little about.  They can be very convincing and come off very smooth.  Sometimes it is hard to tell a bulldozer from a balloon.  Sometimes the only way to know you have a phony expert is to be an expert on the subject yourself.  A Balloon expert is not a con artist or a liar and are not trying to be deceptive. They genuinely feel that they know what they are talking about.
• Indecisive Stallers - These persons tend to delay making decisions until the problem goes away.  This becomes a problem if you need them to make a decision and it affects you.  This is unproductive for them as they are sitting on a problem and unproductive for you as the decision is not made.  Stallers are usually pleasant and supportive.

CREATIVE TIME MANAGEMENT

We all know that the key to Time Management is Planning. Here, I would like to share my experiences about time management.

What was happening when I was not able to manage time?

• I was not able to control my work and life
• I was less productive
• Technology was wasting my time more than it was saving

Then I followed few principles of time management and experienced a great improvement.

1. Became active rather than reactive: started deciding what's really important and then saying NO to anything and everything that "interferes".

2. Started setting goals: without goals, I was reacting to problems with little perspective on how they could affect my career.

3. Started prioritizing actions: only setting goals was not working, so I started prioritizing my activities to achieve those goals.

4. Kept Focus: then I realized that I was in a good shape, now I just had to stay in focus and avoid distractions.

5. Created deadlines but realistic: started thinking through how long is really required to finish something.

Then, finally I made time for myself as well as those whom I care about. -:)

It was not so easy to be able to do all this, there were couple of major obstacles throughout the complete process. Here are those and few suggestions about how to overcome them:

1. Doing too much at once: I realized I was doing lot of things at the same time which was why I was not able to deliver most of them with quality and on time. Then I started focusing on doing one thing at a time and avoided starting a new task until the first one is finished, keeping the priorities in mind.

2. Inability to say NO: my inability to say NO was putting me on back foot every time, then I decided what are my limits and tried saying NO to whatever interferes; I clarified my priorities to people and requested them to let me reinforce the priorities. I found that saying NO to the request is necessary rather than saying NO to the person.

All of this is very common and basic things but the usefulness is realized when we really start following them so I wish all the very best to all!!

GROW

The acronym GROW may have various meanings associated to different persons but here is what I believe that you should mean when you say/write GROW:

G: Goals: set smart goals and develop plans to achieve them. Never set goals that limit your imagination. If your goal is vague, and it can’t be measured, chances are it will float above you like a cloud and will remain a dream instead of a job well done.

R: Run: take fast actions, develop the skills you can go after what you want. Running in this case is about taking action fast and giving yourself the skills you need to grow yourself fast.


O: Organize: get organized, set up the systems that help you move fast

W: WOW: create a life that wows you and inspires others